The Ultimate High!

I did it! I put my body through intense physical training & conditioning. I deprived myself of the comfort foods I unknowingly depended on & still managed to forget the lemons that life can bring. I dieted hard-core & suffered through the guilt learning to never cheating myself. I kept the “Big Picture” in mind living day-to-day but focusing on the future. I isolated myself from everything familiar & trained my mind to become numb to any outside distractions. Lastly, I put my heart & soul into my ultimate goal of making it to the USA’s, placing 1st, & earning that IFBB pro card. So I did it! This has been a giant build up toward becoming something great, proving to myself & certain individuals that I could do it, that I’m worth a damn! I created and re-created myself in such a short time & succeeded beyond my wildest imagination- this is what I wanted. But why am I not celebrating? Why aren’t I overjoyed with happiness & pride? Why am I so numb?

I feel like I have nothing to show for it- all this hard work and such a tremendous accomplishment but I am left here alone & confused. Forgotten, & I’ve also forgot. I forgot about the things I once used to enjoy & when I’m reminded I realize I no longer enjoy them! I forgot about the people I once used to share my world with…maybe it’s better I’ve forgotten them. I’ve changed so much that I no longer want the things I once wanted. It’s a scary yet liberating feeling to let go of the “comforts” & venture out to uncharted territory not knowing what will come next!

What a trip! What a rollercoaster ride this has been. I’ve been sober for so long but the ups and downs of this experience have been the ultimate high! All this time I thought I had just reached the top and now this was the big drop down but really the ride has just begun! These twists and turns are thrilling. I mean honestly, I can’t even remember the last time I was so excited, genuinely terrified in the best possible way. I have no idea what to expect. I’m going to embrace this moment, not fear it! Funny, I have had such major control over my life for so long and the result of that has been a total loss of all control……..my destiny is being played out at this very moment. I’ve worked my ass off to get here but destiny & fate will lead me to where I belong.

The truth is, I’m definitely not alone! I’m so thankful to have God in my life blessing me this way. He has been there all along…..how did I fail to recognize that? I’ve been lost, doubting myself, & doubting the direction my life has taken. For the past week since I turned IFBB Pro, I’ve tortured & brainwashed myself into feeling like maybe I would rather be back on familiar ground. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone if I was back in my chaos surrounded by people & things that seemed fuel the mayhem. I don’t need that- I don’t want that. I’ll be better than okay now! This is what I’m good at, this is what I do, this is where my passion thrives……….life is good man! I’m going to embrace it- for once in my life I’m going to live. How exciting is that?!

I know…..I’m a weirdo! ;)

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."
- Louis L'Amour